I didn’t ask for this. This… mindset. This heartset. I tried to pretend it wasn’t mine for years. But there weren’t enough drugs, dudes or delusions to ever completely suppress it. You can’t deny who you are forever. Sooner or later your soul will rise to the surface. And it will force you to do things you never thought you’d do. Be someone you never wanted to be. Live in a manner you used to roll your eyes at.
Being a lightworker is not easy. Calling myself one isn’t either. Caring for people, seeing their potential, wanting the world to CHANGE. Riding the waves of energy. Feeling shit deeply. Loving people. It’s not something I can turn on and off. I mean, I guess I can but it doesn’t last. And no, being this way doesn’t make me any better than anyone else. I don’t feel like I AM better than anyone else. There’s no spiritual hierarchy where those with open, bleeding-balanced hearts live at the top. We’ve all got our natural inclinations and purposes. I can see yours just as I see mine.
And also, just because I’m like this it doesn’t make me a caricature. No one is. I’m not a concept. And I’m not a martyr. I’m here just like everyone else, trying to go about my days with as much ease as possible. Trying to spend more time in the fun place than in the fear, working towards career goals, and hopefully creating some cool shit. Aiming towards my own constantly changing ideas of success.
I try not to complain too much because what you focus on grows. But honestly, being like this?
It just… well, it just makes me feel different a lot of the time. Which isn’t always a bad thing. When you can connect and when you are seen. But sometimes it’s isolating.
Sometimes it feels like I speak another language. A language that other people really want to learn deep down. A language that they continue to resist, despite their interest or inquiries. And so, in reaction I then wish I didn’t know these words, feel these truths, see these souls underneath the artificial layers of aloofness. I wish I had never glimpsed that LOVE that exists everywhere - beyond the banal and the bullshit. In these moments, I want to go back to my old, comfy twin bed.
But I can’t.
I’m in a queen now. And, well… I don’t need as much sleep these days.
Always was a precocious little alien. At least now she doesn’t have to hide her very human heart.