Quick workaround in the aftermath of an emotional expectation unmet:
1) Ask: How did I want this other person to behave or respond?
2) Ask: What would that have meant about me? Repeat the question several times, until you get to the quality or underlying emotional experience desired (i.e. It would mean I am.... valid, desirable, good enough, worthy, etc.)
3) Remember that the person who disappointed you is just another human work-in-progress, doing the best they can, acting and reacting from their own fixed beliefs, perspectives, and level of awareness. They are dealing with their own insecurities, their own internal atmosphere, and not to mention, their own daily tasks. Nothing is personal.
4) Ask: Why am I giving this other being so much control over my self-opinion? Why am I giving them so much authority in MY own life?
5) Take that quality or qualities from step 2 and affirm to yourself that you already are and always have been _______ (i.e. enough, worthy, important). No one else is the source of you feeling ________. Another person can be the activator, but all emotional states of being originate and are sustained from within.
6) Repeat step 5. Every day if you have to. Be your own activator.
It's funny how we walk around this place often unaware of the roles we play for other people- the projections we embody, the reactions we provoke, the healings we inspire, and the ways in which we forever alter each other's self-conversations. We may not know the exact impact we have on each other's lives- we may not know how we help - but we can trust that we do. Just by being ourselves- our natural energetic presence. I like to think of this whenever I feel insignificant. I like to think of all the people out there who have no idea just how much they've helped me.
It takes real inner strength to love so boldly. To be vulnerable, authentic, and true. How very impressive it is to unapologetically wear your heart on your sleeve, to brazenly display it on your petals, to not hide it in the face of possible rejection. To be that unabashed and open? Wow. It takes real courage to lead with love. This flower gets it.
He “broke up” with me about 3 years ago. On the street. In front of a Señor Fish, 2 blocks from my house. I write “broke up” using quotes because we were never anything official during our summer-long involvement even though I loved him very deeply throughout our whole acquaintance, and perhaps well before we met.
I had believed that I was the only woman in his life, even though his hesitance in going anywhere outside either of our homes as well as his tendency to disappear for several days at a time, indicated otherwise. The connection was unbelievably strong, a soul-mating to a degree I hadn’t yet experienced. Sure, I may have only been focusing on his potential and ignoring his actions. But I loved him, there was so much magic and synchronicity and psychic-ness to the connection - how could this not be “the real thing?”
And yet, there I was, standing on the sidewalk, very much aware that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me; he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and they were going to start a family.
I walked to my house, tears streaming down my face, completely in shock over what was transpiring. It didn’t make any sense. My heart and soul had led me to him. How could it not work out? Why would I have brought myself such pain? How could this be happening to me?
As I approached my front door, I was met by nearly 50 crickets waiting for me on the porch. I say 50 but it could easily have been 100. The sheer number of them hopping and crawling around shook me out of my despair. Crickets always tend to bring blessings, an indicator of positive expansion and taking big leaps, especially in consciousness. Was this fantastic magical display supposed to comfort me, letting me know that somehow this awful heartache was a blessing?
When you’re in it, it’s so hard to see that what is happening is for your highest good. Looking back though, that is most definitely the case. While some soulmates are long-term companions, some are merely temporary catalysts to our next phase of self-expansion; opening us up to more self-love and freedom, assisting us in aligning with the authentic vibration of our soul.
In this way, what appears to be a heartbreak is actually just the precursor to a heart-breakthrough.
When we look at things from this angle, with enough space and distance and time, we can actually say it and mean it: Thank you, thank you, for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so much better. Thank you for giving me the gift of myself.
We can't expect others to do what we do. We can't control their actions or reactions. We can't force them to awaken or understand our perspective. We can't get anyone else to change their negative behavior unless they are willing. But... we can change our approach. We can alter our attitude. We can do something different. We can change the dynamic by changing ourselves. Our relationships will always shift as we do.
Love is most definitely not about possession. Yikes. But it's also not about projection.
If I am only seeing you as I want you to be, if I am so immersed in my own imagined fantasy of our connection, if my expectations take me on a wild ride, then I am not grounded in the here and now. I am not connected to the energetic truth of this moment. I may not be able to recognize what is happening below the surface, that there may be a very obvious energetic dissonance between us. That we may, in fact, have nothing in common! In these moments of projection in the guise of "finding" love, I am not present with you as you really are. I'm actually not even seeing you at all. I'm seeing what I want and hope to see. I'm casting you in a role you haven't yet signed on for. I'm somewhere in Act 3 before the opening credits have even finished. And so if/when you suddenly lose interest in the project, I will suffer at the loss of such a potentially important character and scramble to find the reasons why you didn't want to play the part. I'll feel rejected, not good enough, and totally disappointed yet I'm the only source of my suffering- I'm the one giving my power away to an illusion.
The causes of this behavior are varied but the solution is the same: Let go and trust that you are enough in this moment. That you don't need to force or make anything happen. That there are millions of people in the world and when a true energetic connection is present and when both parties are open and ready for companionship, things naturally progress. All you ever need to be is honest and authentic. All you ever need to seek is your self-acceptance and self-healing. Get so good and comfortable in your own being, so full of the love that is ALWAYS within you- that you can greet another person without expectation or projection. You can be present enough to fully take in and enjoy the moment. You can just relax, have fun and be free.
How much money you make, whether or not you own your home, what kind of car you drive, the number of countries you've been to, which celebrities you hang with, the amount of shiny things you possess, and how many followers you've accumulated on social media may be interesting and impressive to some degree, but it's kind of irrelevant if it doesn't also accompany a high level of integrity, a way of showing generosity and kindness to others, a passion for the work you do or atleast the causes you believe in, courageousness in approaching and overcoming life's challenges, a willingness to learn and evolve and better yourself as a person, an ability to listen and support those closest to you with unconditional love and compassion, and an overall desire to be a positive contribution to the world. That other stuff is cool but it's heart that matters more.
It is very tempting to close one’s heart in the wake of romantic disappointment. It is very natural to place blame, to judge the other person as wrong, to get stuck in the whats and hows. To search for the whys. To feel hurt. Confused. Frustrated. Powerless.
Yet, in truth, we are never powerless. There is always something to gain, something to act on. There’s always a lighter perspective we get to choose. Our power comes from our ability to make this choice. To look through and above the circumstance. To stay open. To not close down our own hearts as a result of another’s actions. To avoid falling into the traps of cynicism. Because in being the energy of openness, in being unconditional love, we get to experience it. We get to release ourselves from the limiting confines of pain-induced judgment. And we get to walk in a gentler world of our own choosing, one of freedom, ease, hope and infinite possibility.
The kind of love that we’re usually hoping to find in relationship - the unconditional and unwavering kind- is always available to us. It’s always a choice we can make.