Quick workaround in the aftermath of an emotional expectation unmet:
1) Ask: How did I want this other person to behave or respond?
2) Ask: What would that have meant about me? Repeat the question several times, until you get to the quality or underlying emotional experience desired (i.e. It would mean I am.... valid, desirable, good enough, worthy, etc.)
3) Remember that the person who disappointed you is just another human work-in-progress, doing the best they can, acting and reacting from their own fixed beliefs, perspectives, and level of awareness. They are dealing with their own insecurities, their own internal atmosphere, and not to mention, their own daily tasks. Nothing is personal.
4) Ask: Why am I giving this other being so much control over my self-opinion? Why am I giving them so much authority in MY own life?
5) Take that quality or qualities from step 2 and affirm to yourself that you already are and always have been _______ (i.e. enough, worthy, important). No one else is the source of you feeling ________. Another person can be the activator, but all emotional states of being originate and are sustained from within.
6) Repeat step 5. Every day if you have to. Be your own activator.
There are times when I'll hook into someone else's opinion of me. I'll imagine what they must see, the role they've cast me in, the identity I take on, the category I get filed into, and whether I am regarded highly, poorly, or with total irrelevance. If I'm not mindful, I can carry this with me throughout my day. I can feel really good about myself or really shitty depending on the judgments I perceive. It's tempting and quite typical to gather a self-opinion in this manner. Yet, the way other people relate to you - how they see you or value you - says a lot more about them than it ever has to about you. Allowing the possible opinion of another to determine who you are and what you can be is to give your personal power away to a temporary illusion.
There is a world within you that is beyond human judgment and categorical thinking; a place of infinite magical potential; a well of unconditional and regenerative love. It is where you come from, your first identity. It knows the truth of your being. It is the source of your power. And it is where you can always go to remember who you really are.
Today I will be humble. I will be aware of my simultaneous significance and insignificance as a human being. I will be loving. I will greet others with the same respect and warmth I would hope to receive. I will be grateful. I will remember the interconnection of all things, the illusion of linear time, and the truth that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. I will know that all that once existed still exists in different form. I will feel safe in my body, trusting that the natural expression of my essence is the temporary role I am here to play. Whatever passions excite me, whatever delights my spirit, whatever leaves me with a peaceful sense of purpose, is the way in which I send out love to my environment. It is my unique contribution to the collective. I will be myself. I will walk the world with patience and with ease, knowing that wherever I wander I am home.
Resentment is a heavy weight that builds no muscle. When harbored for too long, it drains you of your power and can halt your momentum. You've got purposeful things to do. You've got important places to be. You choose what to carry with you. And the easiest way to travel is to travel light.
"Forgiveness is not about letting anyone get away with their bad choices but about choosing to create your own happiness."-Kyle Gray
There really is an answer to every call, a deliverance for every request. It's real. It's resonance. Energetic. Scientific. What you are looking for is looking for you too. Just have to keep your mind clear enough to receive the guidance, your body tuned in enough to show you the way. What you are hoping to find, is hoping to be found. Just have to keep your eyes -and heart- open enough to recognize it when you do.
A guilt trip is not a mandatory voyage. People may invite you along but you never have to accept the offer. Trust your own intuition and where it's leading you. Keep moving in the direction that feels best for your soul. Like everything, where you go and how you go is just a choice. Your choice. So, choose you.
As an intuitive, I tend to get a lot of requests from people seeking clarity around their romantic relationships or interests, wanting to know how or when they will find love with this particular person or another in the future. The guidance that comes through is always specific to the individual, yet there's a certain piece of awareness I was given, which I find to be a very helpful reminder:
Love is not the same thing as a romantic relationship or partnership. That's a commitment between two individuals on a synced up timeline, sharing similar lifestyles, values, and goals. It's two people choosing to connect over a joint mission. Love itself, is a state of being. It's a memory awakened, a homecoming, a rediscovery of one's own soul. True love is a state of total freedom and acceptance. It is an unconditional allowance to be who we are, as we are. It is seeing and being seen through the eyes of the divine. Love is where we come from. That is why it feels so amazing to "fall into" it. Because we fall into our eternal self. We reconnect to our infinite nature. We are reminded of our true origin.
Love is a personal journey experienced within our own body. We feel more love from the outside world as we feel more of it within and for ourselves. And we feel more of it for ourselves, as we honor and allow our most authentic self-expression to arise; by listening to our soul's whispers, overcoming the ego's fears, and doing what we are here on this planet to do. Love is found as we remember our highest spiritual source and embrace our truest self.
Romantic relationship is a mutual decision based on timing and practicalities. But love? Love is available to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
It's funny how we walk around this place often unaware of the roles we play for other people- the projections we embody, the reactions we provoke, the healings we inspire, and the ways in which we forever alter each other's self-conversations. We may not know the exact impact we have on each other's lives- we may not know how we help - but we can trust that we do. Just by being ourselves- our natural energetic presence. I like to think of this whenever I feel insignificant. I like to think of all the people out there who have no idea just how much they've helped me.
It takes real inner strength to love so boldly. To be vulnerable, authentic, and true. How very impressive it is to unapologetically wear your heart on your sleeve, to brazenly display it on your petals, to not hide it in the face of possible rejection. To be that unabashed and open? Wow. It takes real courage to lead with love. This flower gets it.
Today I will look in the mirror without criticizing my appearance; wishing this or that was smaller/bigger/tighter. I will not reject any reflection of this holy body, the current home of my soul. I will release myself from the clutches of popular opinion, remembering that trends are ever-changing, that standards can be optional, and that perspective is merely a choice. I will say goodbye to old habits of self-criticism. I will welcome the euphoria of self-approval and the personal power that can only come from self-appreciation. I will recognize the purpose in my uniqueness and the miraculous magic of the human form.
And I will revel in my freedom.
Nothing is personal. How people behave is based on whatever they’ve got going on with them. Everyone has their own insecurities, stressors, triggers, anxieties, and challenging life circumstances. We’ve all got our own burdens. Light or heavy, we’re all carrying something with us into our daily interactions.
Just because someone else’s treatment of you is not personal, doesn’t mean you should ignore your emotional reaction to the situation. Spiritually bypassing a negative emotion is only prolonging the inevitable. Often the best way out is through. Emotions are energy in MOTION. They want/need to move. Whatever arises within you, face it, feel it, forgive it, and let it work its way through your system. Never underestimate the healing power of a 5 minute ugly-cry.
Everything is purposeful. Take whatever time you need to emotionally process. When you’re ready and able to, take the focus off of your reactionary self. Look through and above the situation, from the highest vantage point possible. Ask your wisest self (who already knows): what is this really about? What is the opportunity for me here? What awareness have I gained? What has this situation inspired in me? What new choice can I now make? What new energy can I be? What new actions can I take? And what kind of lasting positive change can I hope to experience in MY life as a result? Move forward accordingly.
Focusing on the good won't make you some naive Pollyanna. It doesn’t mean you are unaware or not awake. No, it means you are confident in your divine birthright as a conscious co-creator on this planet. It means you are aware of your ability to affect change and to work with the natural universal laws to make things better for yourself and for everyone. It means you know that you are magic. And you know that working your magic means reaching for the highest possible thought and focusing on the love and the light - the divinity - within all things. This is the truth of who you are - of who we all are. And it will always bring us back to a place of peace and harmony.
Just as important as what we are ready to say yes to, is what we are ready and actually willing to say no to. I've noticed that every time I want to move forward with something, life will bring me an out, or more of the same situations that I am used to.
In moments like this, it's almost as if life is offering up a little test, waiting for us to take a different action, giving us an opportunity to make a new and more self-supportive choice. A choice that feels good and true and freeing in the body. A choice that is made out of self-love and not out of self-sabotage or fear.
Sometimes we pass the exam, sometimes we don't. It's all ok. It's all about readiness. And we can't be what we are not. But I do know that each and every time that I've been up to the challenge, it's been these new positive choices and actions that have eventually led to entirely new conditions. Like magic.
To give a gift, to send love, support, and admiration to another without expectation of how and even if it is going to be received is to experience the incredible freedom of unconditional love. It's to lead with compassion and to remember that nothing is personal. That another being's inability to respond to you as you'd hoped they would says more about them than it ever has to about you. It's to let go of another's power over you. It's to affirm the truth that no other living being is the source of your joy. It's to open your heart even more. And by doing so, you, the giver, unintentionally receive your own gift.
Old goal: to be happy all the time regardless of circumstances.
New goal: to be present and patient with whatever arises within me, to practice self-care over self-rejection, to no longer shame myself for any ugly or unpleasant thoughts and emotions, to not force a state of being that does not feel authentic or true, to sit with what is and to listen.
Old goal: happiness
New goal: freedom
Last night I had a dream that I was running down the street; trying to make my way to the house of a couple whose lifestyle I admire. I've never met them in real life, but have been so inspired by their story through their blogs and podcasts. It's almost as if discovering them two years ago allowed me to rediscover a part of myself and the kind of life I really want to live. And so somewhere along the way, they must have become a symbolic representation of the future I've been working towards. In the dream, I felt like I could not run fast enough. I kept trying to push myself harder, but my pace remained a steady jog, instead of a sprint. I heard some threatening noises coming from across the street. I just HAD to reach my destination. I bumped into other people who crossed my path. I kept going. Kept trying to increase my speed. I had to get there and quick! And then before I could even make it, I woke up.
Sometimes dreams can be the most precious gifts of self-awareness. To attach a sense of solace or personal fulfillment to a future destination or temporary object is to forget the significance of the daily journey. It is to miss out on all the potent opportunities to meet life fully, to free ourselves through presence and to evolve through self-acceptance. We may be putting so much pressure on ourselves to get THERE, yet it is only ever HERE - in surrender to the truth of the moment - that a deeper sense of personal peace, healing, love, and sustained fulfillment can be found. The desires we have for the future are necessary for direction, motivation, and positive action. Our goals keep us moving toward more experiences of freedom and of joy. Yet, it's only in the NOW, that we ever get to feel it.
I used to think I had to do big things to change the world, that I had to be "someone" to really have an effect, to really make a difference. But separation is an illusion. Everything we do is a contribution to the collective. All thoughts, all prayers, all daily actions taken out of love. You don't have to be someone in order to make a huge impact. You already are. You already do.
Give another person your full attention today. Put down your physical distractions. Tune out your mental ones. Actually listen to what the other person is saying. Hear their words and the spaces in between. Hold the space for their authenticity. Be open, be patient, be compassionate. Attempt to understand their point of view.
I know, multitasking seems to be a necessity these days. We've all got a million super important things that need to get done and we seem to allllways be short on time. Yet, taking a few minutes to be fully present with another person is a huge gift. For both parties. Because, in truth, we all want to be acknowledged and accepted for who we are- for who we really are. We all long to be understood. We all want to feel valued. And we all benefit from soulful connection.
Be present with another soul today. Allow them to feel seen and heard without judgment. Remind them of who they really are underneath surface appearances and chosen identities. Remind them with your undivided attention. Remind them of their importance. Remind them that they matter.
So often we are sleepwalking through this existence without recognizing how magical the seemingly mundane really is. Everything within our world is alive and speaking to us. If we allow it, that is. If we can open up to this constant communication we can fully appreciate its beauty and receive its gifts. These sights can wake us up from our ordinary humanness. They can connect us to something bigger - to the essence of who we really are - beyond our monotony. They can remind us of our eternal nature, our responsibility, our greater purpose and our connection to everything everywhere.
He “broke up” with me about 3 years ago. On the street. In front of a Señor Fish, 2 blocks from my house. I write “broke up” using quotes because we were never anything official during our summer-long involvement even though I loved him very deeply throughout our whole acquaintance, and perhaps well before we met.
I had believed that I was the only woman in his life, even though his hesitance in going anywhere outside either of our homes as well as his tendency to disappear for several days at a time, indicated otherwise. The connection was unbelievably strong, a soul-mating to a degree I hadn’t yet experienced. Sure, I may have only been focusing on his potential and ignoring his actions. But I loved him, there was so much magic and synchronicity and psychic-ness to the connection - how could this not be “the real thing?”
And yet, there I was, standing on the sidewalk, very much aware that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me; he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and they were going to start a family.
I walked to my house, tears streaming down my face, completely in shock over what was transpiring. It didn’t make any sense. My heart and soul had led me to him. How could it not work out? Why would I have brought myself such pain? How could this be happening to me?
As I approached my front door, I was met by nearly 50 crickets waiting for me on the porch. I say 50 but it could easily have been 100. The sheer number of them hopping and crawling around shook me out of my despair. Crickets always tend to bring blessings, an indicator of positive expansion and taking big leaps, especially in consciousness. Was this fantastic magical display supposed to comfort me, letting me know that somehow this awful heartache was a blessing?
When you’re in it, it’s so hard to see that what is happening is for your highest good. Looking back though, that is most definitely the case. While some soulmates are long-term companions, some are merely temporary catalysts to our next phase of self-expansion; opening us up to more self-love and freedom, assisting us in aligning with the authentic vibration of our soul.
In this way, what appears to be a heartbreak is actually just the precursor to a heart-breakthrough.
When we look at things from this angle, with enough space and distance and time, we can actually say it and mean it: Thank you, thank you, for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so much better. Thank you for giving me the gift of myself.
Yeah, the world feels like a kinda crazy, kinda scary, rapidly shifting place right now. What has been helping me, among other things, is to think about how much awareness is being gained, how much compassion is being activated, and how many people are waking up. To think about the potency of this time period. About how much good we can really do. Even our "small," daily, intentional prayerful moments have an effect.
Despite being on a lovely family vacation, I've been feeling and processing these heavy collective energies, anchoring in the deeper truths and affirming the highest visions of balance. After all, we are co-creators on this planet of cause and effect and what we focus on grows.
We can't expect others to do what we do. We can't control their actions or reactions. We can't force them to awaken or understand our perspective. We can't get anyone else to change their negative behavior unless they are willing. But... we can change our approach. We can alter our attitude. We can do something different. We can change the dynamic by changing ourselves. Our relationships will always shift as we do.
Some heartbreaks are necessary heartbreak-throughs. But we often don't recognize it until later on.
We are always being brought what we need in order to grow into our best, strongest, and most uniquely beautiful selves. These things don't happen to us. They happen for us. And with enough time and awareness, we may even say thank you! Thank you for this broken heart. Thank you for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so soooo much better.