Quick workaround in the aftermath of an emotional expectation unmet:
1) Ask: How did I want this other person to behave or respond?
2) Ask: What would that have meant about me? Repeat the question several times, until you get to the quality or underlying emotional experience desired (i.e. It would mean I am.... valid, desirable, good enough, worthy, etc.)
3) Remember that the person who disappointed you is just another human work-in-progress, doing the best they can, acting and reacting from their own fixed beliefs, perspectives, and level of awareness. They are dealing with their own insecurities, their own internal atmosphere, and not to mention, their own daily tasks. Nothing is personal.
4) Ask: Why am I giving this other being so much control over my self-opinion? Why am I giving them so much authority in MY own life?
5) Take that quality or qualities from step 2 and affirm to yourself that you already are and always have been _______ (i.e. enough, worthy, important). No one else is the source of you feeling ________. Another person can be the activator, but all emotional states of being originate and are sustained from within.
6) Repeat step 5. Every day if you have to. Be your own activator.
There are times when I'll hook into someone else's opinion of me. I'll imagine what they must see, the role they've cast me in, the identity I take on, the category I get filed into, and whether I am regarded highly, poorly, or with total irrelevance. If I'm not mindful, I can carry this with me throughout my day. I can feel really good about myself or really shitty depending on the judgments I perceive. It's tempting and quite typical to gather a self-opinion in this manner. Yet, the way other people relate to you - how they see you or value you - says a lot more about them than it ever has to about you. Allowing the possible opinion of another to determine who you are and what you can be is to give your personal power away to a temporary illusion.
There is a world within you that is beyond human judgment and categorical thinking; a place of infinite magical potential; a well of unconditional and regenerative love. It is where you come from, your first identity. It knows the truth of your being. It is the source of your power. And it is where you can always go to remember who you really are.
Today I will be humble. I will be aware of my simultaneous significance and insignificance as a human being. I will be loving. I will greet others with the same respect and warmth I would hope to receive. I will be grateful. I will remember the interconnection of all things, the illusion of linear time, and the truth that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. I will know that all that once existed still exists in different form. I will feel safe in my body, trusting that the natural expression of my essence is the temporary role I am here to play. Whatever passions excite me, whatever delights my spirit, whatever leaves me with a peaceful sense of purpose, is the way in which I send out love to my environment. It is my unique contribution to the collective. I will be myself. I will walk the world with patience and with ease, knowing that wherever I wander I am home.
Resentment is a heavy weight that builds no muscle. When harbored for too long, it drains you of your power and can halt your momentum. You've got purposeful things to do. You've got important places to be. You choose what to carry with you. And the easiest way to travel is to travel light.
"Forgiveness is not about letting anyone get away with their bad choices but about choosing to create your own happiness."-Kyle Gray
A guilt trip is not a mandatory voyage. People may invite you along but you never have to accept the offer. Trust your own intuition and where it's leading you. Keep moving in the direction that feels best for your soul. Like everything, where you go and how you go is just a choice. Your choice. So, choose you.
As an intuitive, I tend to get a lot of requests from people seeking clarity around their romantic relationships or interests, wanting to know how or when they will find love with this particular person or another in the future. The guidance that comes through is always specific to the individual, yet there's a certain piece of awareness I was given, which I find to be a very helpful reminder:
Love is not the same thing as a romantic relationship or partnership. That's a commitment between two individuals on a synced up timeline, sharing similar lifestyles, values, and goals. It's two people choosing to connect over a joint mission. Love itself, is a state of being. It's a memory awakened, a homecoming, a rediscovery of one's own soul. True love is a state of total freedom and acceptance. It is an unconditional allowance to be who we are, as we are. It is seeing and being seen through the eyes of the divine. Love is where we come from. That is why it feels so amazing to "fall into" it. Because we fall into our eternal self. We reconnect to our infinite nature. We are reminded of our true origin.
Love is a personal journey experienced within our own body. We feel more love from the outside world as we feel more of it within and for ourselves. And we feel more of it for ourselves, as we honor and allow our most authentic self-expression to arise; by listening to our soul's whispers, overcoming the ego's fears, and doing what we are here on this planet to do. Love is found as we remember our highest spiritual source and embrace our truest self.
Romantic relationship is a mutual decision based on timing and practicalities. But love? Love is available to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
It's funny how we walk around this place often unaware of the roles we play for other people- the projections we embody, the reactions we provoke, the healings we inspire, and the ways in which we forever alter each other's self-conversations. We may not know the exact impact we have on each other's lives- we may not know how we help - but we can trust that we do. Just by being ourselves- our natural energetic presence. I like to think of this whenever I feel insignificant. I like to think of all the people out there who have no idea just how much they've helped me.
It takes real inner strength to love so boldly. To be vulnerable, authentic, and true. How very impressive it is to unapologetically wear your heart on your sleeve, to brazenly display it on your petals, to not hide it in the face of possible rejection. To be that unabashed and open? Wow. It takes real courage to lead with love. This flower gets it.
Nothing is personal. How people behave is based on whatever they’ve got going on with them. Everyone has their own insecurities, stressors, triggers, anxieties, and challenging life circumstances. We’ve all got our own burdens. Light or heavy, we’re all carrying something with us into our daily interactions.
Just because someone else’s treatment of you is not personal, doesn’t mean you should ignore your emotional reaction to the situation. Spiritually bypassing a negative emotion is only prolonging the inevitable. Often the best way out is through. Emotions are energy in MOTION. They want/need to move. Whatever arises within you, face it, feel it, forgive it, and let it work its way through your system. Never underestimate the healing power of a 5 minute ugly-cry.
Everything is purposeful. Take whatever time you need to emotionally process. When you’re ready and able to, take the focus off of your reactionary self. Look through and above the situation, from the highest vantage point possible. Ask your wisest self (who already knows): what is this really about? What is the opportunity for me here? What awareness have I gained? What has this situation inspired in me? What new choice can I now make? What new energy can I be? What new actions can I take? And what kind of lasting positive change can I hope to experience in MY life as a result? Move forward accordingly.
To give a gift, to send love, support, and admiration to another without expectation of how and even if it is going to be received is to experience the incredible freedom of unconditional love. It's to lead with compassion and to remember that nothing is personal. That another being's inability to respond to you as you'd hoped they would says more about them than it ever has to about you. It's to let go of another's power over you. It's to affirm the truth that no other living being is the source of your joy. It's to open your heart even more. And by doing so, you, the giver, unintentionally receive your own gift.
Give another person your full attention today. Put down your physical distractions. Tune out your mental ones. Actually listen to what the other person is saying. Hear their words and the spaces in between. Hold the space for their authenticity. Be open, be patient, be compassionate. Attempt to understand their point of view.
I know, multitasking seems to be a necessity these days. We've all got a million super important things that need to get done and we seem to allllways be short on time. Yet, taking a few minutes to be fully present with another person is a huge gift. For both parties. Because, in truth, we all want to be acknowledged and accepted for who we are- for who we really are. We all long to be understood. We all want to feel valued. And we all benefit from soulful connection.
Be present with another soul today. Allow them to feel seen and heard without judgment. Remind them of who they really are underneath surface appearances and chosen identities. Remind them with your undivided attention. Remind them of their importance. Remind them that they matter.
He “broke up” with me about 3 years ago. On the street. In front of a Señor Fish, 2 blocks from my house. I write “broke up” using quotes because we were never anything official during our summer-long involvement even though I loved him very deeply throughout our whole acquaintance, and perhaps well before we met.
I had believed that I was the only woman in his life, even though his hesitance in going anywhere outside either of our homes as well as his tendency to disappear for several days at a time, indicated otherwise. The connection was unbelievably strong, a soul-mating to a degree I hadn’t yet experienced. Sure, I may have only been focusing on his potential and ignoring his actions. But I loved him, there was so much magic and synchronicity and psychic-ness to the connection - how could this not be “the real thing?”
And yet, there I was, standing on the sidewalk, very much aware that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me; he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and they were going to start a family.
I walked to my house, tears streaming down my face, completely in shock over what was transpiring. It didn’t make any sense. My heart and soul had led me to him. How could it not work out? Why would I have brought myself such pain? How could this be happening to me?
As I approached my front door, I was met by nearly 50 crickets waiting for me on the porch. I say 50 but it could easily have been 100. The sheer number of them hopping and crawling around shook me out of my despair. Crickets always tend to bring blessings, an indicator of positive expansion and taking big leaps, especially in consciousness. Was this fantastic magical display supposed to comfort me, letting me know that somehow this awful heartache was a blessing?
When you’re in it, it’s so hard to see that what is happening is for your highest good. Looking back though, that is most definitely the case. While some soulmates are long-term companions, some are merely temporary catalysts to our next phase of self-expansion; opening us up to more self-love and freedom, assisting us in aligning with the authentic vibration of our soul.
In this way, what appears to be a heartbreak is actually just the precursor to a heart-breakthrough.
When we look at things from this angle, with enough space and distance and time, we can actually say it and mean it: Thank you, thank you, for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so much better. Thank you for giving me the gift of myself.
We can't expect others to do what we do. We can't control their actions or reactions. We can't force them to awaken or understand our perspective. We can't get anyone else to change their negative behavior unless they are willing. But... we can change our approach. We can alter our attitude. We can do something different. We can change the dynamic by changing ourselves. Our relationships will always shift as we do.
Some heartbreaks are necessary heartbreak-throughs. But we often don't recognize it until later on.
We are always being brought what we need in order to grow into our best, strongest, and most uniquely beautiful selves. These things don't happen to us. They happen for us. And with enough time and awareness, we may even say thank you! Thank you for this broken heart. Thank you for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so soooo much better.
Did I make good choices? Did I take any new positive actions? Did I step in the direction of my desires? Was I honest with myself? Was I honest with others? Do the people that I love, know that I love them? Did I do the best that I could do?
Ok, then. Cool. Today was a good day. Today was a success. And even if it wasn't, even if I didn't get a passing grade, tomorrow I'll get another chance. Tomorrow I'll have another go.
Love is most definitely not about possession. Yikes. But it's also not about projection.
If I am only seeing you as I want you to be, if I am so immersed in my own imagined fantasy of our connection, if my expectations take me on a wild ride, then I am not grounded in the here and now. I am not connected to the energetic truth of this moment. I may not be able to recognize what is happening below the surface, that there may be a very obvious energetic dissonance between us. That we may, in fact, have nothing in common! In these moments of projection in the guise of "finding" love, I am not present with you as you really are. I'm actually not even seeing you at all. I'm seeing what I want and hope to see. I'm casting you in a role you haven't yet signed on for. I'm somewhere in Act 3 before the opening credits have even finished. And so if/when you suddenly lose interest in the project, I will suffer at the loss of such a potentially important character and scramble to find the reasons why you didn't want to play the part. I'll feel rejected, not good enough, and totally disappointed yet I'm the only source of my suffering- I'm the one giving my power away to an illusion.
The causes of this behavior are varied but the solution is the same: Let go and trust that you are enough in this moment. That you don't need to force or make anything happen. That there are millions of people in the world and when a true energetic connection is present and when both parties are open and ready for companionship, things naturally progress. All you ever need to be is honest and authentic. All you ever need to seek is your self-acceptance and self-healing. Get so good and comfortable in your own being, so full of the love that is ALWAYS within you- that you can greet another person without expectation or projection. You can be present enough to fully take in and enjoy the moment. You can just relax, have fun and be free.
With every inconvenience that my ego fights like a spoiled brat, my higher self responds with a "Ooooh but think about all we are going to gain. Imagine what this is forcing us to learn and to become. I wonder what role this is preparing us for." After varied amounts of whining and eye rolling, I usually surrender and trust my higher self.
This week, my sanctuary of a house is getting tented for termites. Yayyy fun. I fought the extermination and prayed and wished it away since it felt so violating and intrusive. It's my home! Yet, inevitably there was nothing I could do. Regardless of how sacred I make my house, how clean I keep it, or how safe and comfortable of a space I create, it's still just a building. It's still just a thing. Home is different. Home is a feeling. It's with me wherever I go. Home is the people that I love. Home is where my family is. And my dog. And let's be honest- my crystals and my decks.
Sitting and sulking, feeling invisible, hoping someone will read your mind and getting disappointed when they don't - is one way of doing things. Another way? Asking for what you need. Coming from a place of honesty and vulnerability and making a verbal request shows just how much you believe you deserve it. It shows how much you value you. And more than anything, asking for what you need greatly increases your chances of actually receiving it.
Your art is your art. If anyone harshly criticizes you or attempts to invalidate you or your work, don't worry. They're just giving you a free tour of their personal prison. They're just showing you around the place, pointing out the various chains and shackles that keep them restrained. Speak a silent prayer for their freedom, turn around, and then walk out the door. Their torture chamber doesn't have to be yours. You never have to stay.
How much money you make, whether or not you own your home, what kind of car you drive, the number of countries you've been to, which celebrities you hang with, the amount of shiny things you possess, and how many followers you've accumulated on social media may be interesting and impressive to some degree, but it's kind of irrelevant if it doesn't also accompany a high level of integrity, a way of showing generosity and kindness to others, a passion for the work you do or atleast the causes you believe in, courageousness in approaching and overcoming life's challenges, a willingness to learn and evolve and better yourself as a person, an ability to listen and support those closest to you with unconditional love and compassion, and an overall desire to be a positive contribution to the world. That other stuff is cool but it's heart that matters more.
It's very easy to get overwhelmed. To have to do so many things, to be present for so many people, and to be in so many places at once. Obligations, responsibilities, daily tasks and chores. Our personal energies split, scatter, and are often depleted before the day is through.
Everyone I've talked to this week- myself included- has been feeling the repercussions of being constantly connected to the people in our lives- as well as the anxious buzz of the outside world. If we don't plug in our own rechargeable batteries first, before giving of our energy, we won't have much to give. If we don't center in our own unique selves first, we can feel lost, confused, and completely disconnected from our intuition. We won't be able to hear that vital inner voice- the one that always guides us in the right direction. Mine keeps reminding me: "go somewhere green and ground."
Even if it's just within your imagination. It really only takes 1 minute to plant your feet in the grass and to become aware of YOUR breath, YOUR body, and the fact that you are a human being (doing the best you can) on a spinning planet somewhere in space.
Self-care isn't selfish. It's essential.
Loving somebody doesn't mean taking on their burdens or succumbing to their moods. If someone else is experiencing a temporary disconnect from their source or a momentary feeling of fear, powerlessness, or scarcity it does not mean you must join them in those feelings. Caring for another does not mean taking on their energy.
The most loving thing we can do for another is to acknowledge how they may feel, listen to them with an open heart, and look upon them with eyes of non-judgment. Let them know they are heard and understood. Give them a space to process through their current emotional darkness, but don't dim your own bulb and jump in there with them. They need your light! Letting that light go out won't help anyone. Instead use it to see the beauty when they can't, to remember their strength and power when they forget, and to maintain a higher and peaceful vibration. This may take a strong resolve (fear and negativity are easy to absorb and socially acceptable) but it does more for other people than we can imagine.
Sit in front of a mirror. Say, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Picture someone you have been upset with. Even if they were the one in the wrong. Say “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Repeat until it takes. Repeat as needed.
I may have messed with the standard order of these phrases but I find this arrangement to be super helpful especially when feeling overwhelmed by heavy energies, like frustration and resentment. Pretty sure I recommend this life-changing practice at least once a day.
You cannot love a closed heart open. You cannot do someone else's healing work for them. You can assist with and inspire their process, you can love and support them on their personal path, but they must be willing to do the work. They must be ready to release the pain that has settled around their heart. You cannot fix anyone. You cannot save anyone from themselves. It is not your job to do so.
Just love them unconditionally and hold the highest of mental images for their future. Then, return your focus to your own healing. Keep opening up your own heart and releasing yourself from your own burdens. Practice seeing the good. Believe in the potential for positive outcomes. Learn to live as embodied love. And then, radiate those vibes out into the atmosphere. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and the world.