Quick workaround in the aftermath of an emotional expectation unmet:
1) Ask: How did I want this other person to behave or respond?
2) Ask: What would that have meant about me? Repeat the question several times, until you get to the quality or underlying emotional experience desired (i.e. It would mean I am.... valid, desirable, good enough, worthy, etc.)
3) Remember that the person who disappointed you is just another human work-in-progress, doing the best they can, acting and reacting from their own fixed beliefs, perspectives, and level of awareness. They are dealing with their own insecurities, their own internal atmosphere, and not to mention, their own daily tasks. Nothing is personal.
4) Ask: Why am I giving this other being so much control over my self-opinion? Why am I giving them so much authority in MY own life?
5) Take that quality or qualities from step 2 and affirm to yourself that you already are and always have been _______ (i.e. enough, worthy, important). No one else is the source of you feeling ________. Another person can be the activator, but all emotional states of being originate and are sustained from within.
6) Repeat step 5. Every day if you have to. Be your own activator.
Maybe life isn't withholding anything from you after all. Maybe it's just waiting on your readiness and relying on your willingness to change so that it can set up all the important pieces, arrange meetings with the relevant players, and slowly prepare you for the part you hope to play, the things you'd like to experience, and the way you'd like to feel. Maybe you're right where you need to be in this process of alignment. Maybe life is actually supporting you with its timing as it orchestrates - and excitedly anticipates -your eventual becoming.
There really is an answer to every call, a deliverance for every request. It's real. It's resonance. Energetic. Scientific. What you are looking for is looking for you too. Just have to keep your mind clear enough to receive the guidance, your body tuned in enough to show you the way. What you are hoping to find, is hoping to be found. Just have to keep your eyes -and heart- open enough to recognize it when you do.
As an intuitive, I tend to get a lot of requests from people seeking clarity around their romantic relationships or interests, wanting to know how or when they will find love with this particular person or another in the future. The guidance that comes through is always specific to the individual, yet there's a certain piece of awareness I was given, which I find to be a very helpful reminder:
Love is not the same thing as a romantic relationship or partnership. That's a commitment between two individuals on a synced up timeline, sharing similar lifestyles, values, and goals. It's two people choosing to connect over a joint mission. Love itself, is a state of being. It's a memory awakened, a homecoming, a rediscovery of one's own soul. True love is a state of total freedom and acceptance. It is an unconditional allowance to be who we are, as we are. It is seeing and being seen through the eyes of the divine. Love is where we come from. That is why it feels so amazing to "fall into" it. Because we fall into our eternal self. We reconnect to our infinite nature. We are reminded of our true origin.
Love is a personal journey experienced within our own body. We feel more love from the outside world as we feel more of it within and for ourselves. And we feel more of it for ourselves, as we honor and allow our most authentic self-expression to arise; by listening to our soul's whispers, overcoming the ego's fears, and doing what we are here on this planet to do. Love is found as we remember our highest spiritual source and embrace our truest self.
Romantic relationship is a mutual decision based on timing and practicalities. But love? Love is available to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
It's funny how we walk around this place often unaware of the roles we play for other people- the projections we embody, the reactions we provoke, the healings we inspire, and the ways in which we forever alter each other's self-conversations. We may not know the exact impact we have on each other's lives- we may not know how we help - but we can trust that we do. Just by being ourselves- our natural energetic presence. I like to think of this whenever I feel insignificant. I like to think of all the people out there who have no idea just how much they've helped me.
It takes real inner strength to love so boldly. To be vulnerable, authentic, and true. How very impressive it is to unapologetically wear your heart on your sleeve, to brazenly display it on your petals, to not hide it in the face of possible rejection. To be that unabashed and open? Wow. It takes real courage to lead with love. This flower gets it.
To give a gift, to send love, support, and admiration to another without expectation of how and even if it is going to be received is to experience the incredible freedom of unconditional love. It's to lead with compassion and to remember that nothing is personal. That another being's inability to respond to you as you'd hoped they would says more about them than it ever has to about you. It's to let go of another's power over you. It's to affirm the truth that no other living being is the source of your joy. It's to open your heart even more. And by doing so, you, the giver, unintentionally receive your own gift.
He “broke up” with me about 3 years ago. On the street. In front of a Señor Fish, 2 blocks from my house. I write “broke up” using quotes because we were never anything official during our summer-long involvement even though I loved him very deeply throughout our whole acquaintance, and perhaps well before we met.
I had believed that I was the only woman in his life, even though his hesitance in going anywhere outside either of our homes as well as his tendency to disappear for several days at a time, indicated otherwise. The connection was unbelievably strong, a soul-mating to a degree I hadn’t yet experienced. Sure, I may have only been focusing on his potential and ignoring his actions. But I loved him, there was so much magic and synchronicity and psychic-ness to the connection - how could this not be “the real thing?”
And yet, there I was, standing on the sidewalk, very much aware that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me; he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and they were going to start a family.
I walked to my house, tears streaming down my face, completely in shock over what was transpiring. It didn’t make any sense. My heart and soul had led me to him. How could it not work out? Why would I have brought myself such pain? How could this be happening to me?
As I approached my front door, I was met by nearly 50 crickets waiting for me on the porch. I say 50 but it could easily have been 100. The sheer number of them hopping and crawling around shook me out of my despair. Crickets always tend to bring blessings, an indicator of positive expansion and taking big leaps, especially in consciousness. Was this fantastic magical display supposed to comfort me, letting me know that somehow this awful heartache was a blessing?
When you’re in it, it’s so hard to see that what is happening is for your highest good. Looking back though, that is most definitely the case. While some soulmates are long-term companions, some are merely temporary catalysts to our next phase of self-expansion; opening us up to more self-love and freedom, assisting us in aligning with the authentic vibration of our soul.
In this way, what appears to be a heartbreak is actually just the precursor to a heart-breakthrough.
When we look at things from this angle, with enough space and distance and time, we can actually say it and mean it: Thank you, thank you, for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so much better. Thank you for giving me the gift of myself.
We can't expect others to do what we do. We can't control their actions or reactions. We can't force them to awaken or understand our perspective. We can't get anyone else to change their negative behavior unless they are willing. But... we can change our approach. We can alter our attitude. We can do something different. We can change the dynamic by changing ourselves. Our relationships will always shift as we do.
Some heartbreaks are necessary heartbreak-throughs. But we often don't recognize it until later on.
We are always being brought what we need in order to grow into our best, strongest, and most uniquely beautiful selves. These things don't happen to us. They happen for us. And with enough time and awareness, we may even say thank you! Thank you for this broken heart. Thank you for not giving me what I thought I wanted. Because what I have received instead is so soooo much better.
You cannot love a closed heart open. You cannot do someone else's healing work for them. You can assist with and inspire their process, you can love and support them on their personal path, but they must be willing to do the work. They must be ready to release the pain that has settled around their heart. You cannot fix anyone. You cannot save anyone from themselves. It is not your job to do so.
Just love them unconditionally and hold the highest of mental images for their future. Then, return your focus to your own healing. Keep opening up your own heart and releasing yourself from your own burdens. Practice seeing the good. Believe in the potential for positive outcomes. Learn to live as embodied love. And then, radiate those vibes out into the atmosphere. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and the world.
It is very tempting to close one’s heart in the wake of romantic disappointment. It is very natural to place blame, to judge the other person as wrong, to get stuck in the whats and hows. To search for the whys. To feel hurt. Confused. Frustrated. Powerless.
Yet, in truth, we are never powerless. There is always something to gain, something to act on. There’s always a lighter perspective we get to choose. Our power comes from our ability to make this choice. To look through and above the circumstance. To stay open. To not close down our own hearts as a result of another’s actions. To avoid falling into the traps of cynicism. Because in being the energy of openness, in being unconditional love, we get to experience it. We get to release ourselves from the limiting confines of pain-induced judgment. And we get to walk in a gentler world of our own choosing, one of freedom, ease, hope and infinite possibility.
The kind of love that we’re usually hoping to find in relationship - the unconditional and unwavering kind- is always available to us. It’s always a choice we can make.