Tonight I was published in a popular online journal. It is not the first time this has occurred and I don’t want it to be the last time… but well, maybe it will be.
Tonight I realized that I don’t want to be published in this particular journal (or anywhere else for that matter) unless the work or more specifically - the intention behind the work as I have channeled it - remains intact.
Tonight after all of my conscious (and sub-conscious) fears roared so loudly that the ground shook beneath my feet, I realized that I don’t want to be told what I should say and how and when. I don’t want this work - the work that comes through me to be taken apart and reconstituted. I mean, it’s mine after all. Well it’s not “mine” in the grander scheme but it did arrive here - in my brain, my body, my being. And in this world’s terms - I guess that does make it (kind of) mine. And I care about what is (kind of) mine.
I care about “my” work. Is that because I want it to make me seem special? Because I want my NAME to be on it and I want people to see it and say “oh, wow, look! She wrote that! She’s AMAZING!” No. In this particular instance and at this point in time - I can honestly say that is not it.
You see, I didn’t intend to write something to GET somewhere. As it is with most of my creative endeavors, it happened unexpectedly. I was skipping along, hoping to sit in the park and feel the sun on my face and then BLAM! - I got hit by the creative impulse. It sent such a shockwave to my entire being that knew I had to sit down and let these words out. I didn’t even want to do it but I HAD to give birth to this thing.
And now that it’s out? I am a bit attached to this baby boy. Whether or not I wanted to be. And having someone look at it and try to change it is infuriating, to say the least. It’s like someone taking your child - the one that came through YOUR vagina and having them say “Oh, wow! He’s got 2 different color eyes! How cute! So… I don’t think you’ll mind but we have to remove those quirky little peepers since the humans that come around here? They aren’t used to seeing eyes like that. And we don’t want them to feel weird. You’re cool if we just put two chewed up wads of gum in his eye sockets instead, right? “ Uhh, no. I am NOT cool with that.
The hard part here is that you willingly HANDED OVER your little boy. You gave him away because you wanted the world to see him - in all his original artistic nakedness.
What do you do when you want an audience bigger than your current social sphere? Yet you are not willing to bend or manipulate the project so that it has that mass appeal?
I guess you suck it up and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to work out. And you thank God for the opportunity to look at all of the gross and uncomfortable human feelings existing within you that this instance has brought to your attention. Because allowing these feelings to surface will make you a better artist and a better person.
Tonight, after watching my words get whittled down to appeal to a particular audience, after my feverish and fear-filled frenzy, after crying on the steps of that Korean church next to the library…
I have decided to go my own way.
Now, I’m sure many of you who know me are not surprised. You’re probably laughing and rolling your eyes. I hear at least one of you saying “Duh. Of course you are.” I know, I know. The better part of me is with you. Yet, as much as I champion my rebellious and independent inner spirit - I still have fears and desires and preconceived notions about writing and blogging and putting work out into the world.
As much as I try to avoid it - as much as I feel like an alien the majority of the time - I still exist in this world as a human. And this human? She’s exhausted. She can’t fight her soul’s desires anymore. She can’t wait around for others to “get it” in the way she wants them to get it. This energy is too enormous for her small frame - it is spilling out from all of her orifices. This energy - this creative flow- needs another home.
So here it is.
I will be publishing all of my pieces, ramblings, writings - here. As they come through me. As they are edited by the voices in my own head. (I’ve got nothing against editors. Hell, I forget commas and periods and grammatical correctness all the time)
⬆️ look up there! I just did it!
At this point in my life-process, I don’t want to have to alter my approach to please others and to get people to notice me. I don’t want to have to sacrifice my own vision to be popular. This isn’t junior high. (Ugh, imagine if life were like junior high! Wait, no I can’t, too painful. I take it back.)
This stuff is arriving here as it wants to arrive.
Stay tuned, my loves. ❤
“My responsibility is to the ideas… that’s the difference between making art and making entertainment.”
- Paul McCarthy
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